I hate them all

This is a gross story. Grosser than the toilets, but a different kind. It's not potty gross...it's creepy give me the shakes gross...you know the kind whenever you think of it you go immediately to that happy place to escape the grossness that consumes your entire body, hum your favorite hymn kinda place...okay, I'll tell the story.

We got home from Dani's horse-back riding lesson with Emily on Friday, close to dinner time. We walked into the kitchen, and lo and behold...my dear scientist friends hadn't quite learned their lesson and were feasting on the tiny remnant of Cheez-It I had not seen the 50 millionth time I swept before we left the house. Those dirty ants were EV-ER-Y-WHERE. I screamed the only kill those blasted ants scream I know, and the kids knew immediately a rescue was in order. They formed a little huddle around the disgusting pile of tiny destroyers of everything good and lovely, while Joey danced around the stragglers yelling "Ants, ant, oh, ant."

"Mom, just let them eat! Don't hurt them!"

I left the disgusting display, and went straight for my can of ant death.

While I had my head under the sink, I heard a scream. From all of them. This was not a save the ant kind of scream. This was bad. Nobody said anything, they just kept yelling. Dani mumbles, "Kacie just..." and silence.

oh.........no.........the slow motion run to the nastiness I could only imagine in my head....

There she was. And there wasn't the Cheez-It. I scooped her up and bolted to the sink. Upon prying open her cute little mouth...this is the image I am choosing to erase from memory...there were the ants...crawling out of her mouth like night of the living dead. All over. Everywhere. Covering the inside of her pink chubby cheeks. The roof of her mouth. Under her tongue. Pure invasion. She was screaming, I could only assume because they were biting her...they do that in distress you know. My hatred for these creatures was building exponentially.

I swept my hand cupped with water around her mouth at least a gagillion times, removing more dead carcasses with each sweep.

I am gagging, and shaking, and grossing out TOTALLY. I feel so bad for my baby, I cry. Then Andy starts crying, "I don't want Kacie to die! I don't want Kacie to die!" Joey's still jumping around, now with a growl, "Ants. Oh, oh, ants!"

Total disgusting chaos.

I got Kacie all cleaned up. Gave her a sympathy I won't ever let those beasts hurt you again hug, and set her down, far away. I didn't want her to see the murder about to take place.

I sprayed like a mad woman. No survivors.

Then I realized my kitchen floor was covered with poison. So I swept up the death, and mopped like an angry mad woman, with a vengance.

Luckily, hero comes home, sees my plight, cringes at the details and goes into the garage. He comes back with a gigantic jug of bug spray, the kind with its own hose and nozzle. Had I known. He sprayed the perimeter of the house. Thus saving our lives.

I will forever hate ants.

Kacie is sick today.

It's been raining.

I found three earthworms in my kitchen this morning.


Unknown said...

Cally, you are cracking me up! That is so funny. Seriously. Did she just not see those little ants crawling all over or did she think they would be tasty. I think you've inspired a story contest. What is the grossest thing your kid has ever done.

Lindsey was struggling with ants too...read this....it may help.


Horseback riding lessons! WOW! You guys are sounding so chik.

Anonymous said...

Oh the stories you tell. How the crack me up. However I feel bad for your little baby.That is just icky I have had ants in our regina house and not a pretty situation Came in from church and they were crawling up and down the walls like in Jerry Miguire I understand your hatred for the creatures I am with ya one hundred percent they MUST DIE ALL OF THEM!!!

D-lyn said...

I love to read your stories!
They are a true testament of motherhood! Someday the laughter will roll out and this story will be a family classic!
I have added you blog to my Kindred Women links list

ShEiLa said...

Love this story... at the beginning my mind was running wild at the possible gross things that would send you to your happy place. This story was very hilarious...I know for you it was not, I am sorry for that, but funny none the less. Your kids the [protectors of the ants], crack me up... kids they always love to watch out for every living thing... they just don't know the Mom things about ants. I am glad you have a hero like I do... toodles, Sheila

Lori said...

Oh Kacie!! Too gross ever. You know we had an ant problem at our old house, right? The poison gel bait worked better than anything else, even the professionals. Just make SURE it's out of reach from kiddos (sometimes we would put out at night and throw it away in the morning). I'm surprised Emma didn't mention the ants. We still have our fingers crossed that this house will remain any-free. They are such a curse.

Mama Cher, Ok, fine, it's Sharon said...

I love this story, though I realize it may have been a painful one to tell. I too h-a-t-e ants. Had a bad episode with them when I was about 9. After that I never felt bad about those ants meeting the bottom of my shoe.

Becky said...

Sorry about the ants, we have them too! They won't go away. We don't even keep food in our kitchen (except the fridge)anymore. We tried spraying, but they always came back. Thankfully our landlord called Orkin who's done a great job and we rarely see them anymore. Good luck! I know...it's WAR!!!!!